


I Know It All By Heart

by Creme_Fraiche



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alice in Wonderland References, Alternate Universe - Alice in Wonderland Fusion, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst, BAMF Padmé Amidala, Clone Wars, Doctors & Physicians, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Escapism, Established Relationship, Hospitalization, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, I don't understand medicine, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Alice in Wonderland, Jealous Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mindfuck, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Nurses, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Past Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Protective Padmé Amidala, Qui-Gon Jinn Lives, Sabé is angry about stuff, Satine is a psycho, Sex for Favors, Sexual Tension, Terminal Illnesses, The Author Has Issues, The Author Is A Mess, The Author Regrets Everything, The counterparts make sense I promise, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Unhappy Ending, War, bare with me, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creme_Fraiche/pseuds/Creme_Fraiche
Summary: Anakin Skywalker struggles with drug addiction and a constant need to escape, and when he and his best friend end up in the same medical ward, he is hellbent on escaping with him, unknowingly bringing all the patients in the ward with him into his bizarre world.He knows his story by heart, but his heart will lead him astray, and he will fight to change the story he knows so well if only to stay with his friend as long as he can.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	1. The Rabbit Hole

**Author's Note:**

> For those who read my last fic, this is going to be a slightly different story, and there may not be so many happy endings.
> 
> I'm a mess, please enjoy!

Anakin Skywalker had always been an imaginative Padawan. He had spent a large majority of his childhood in slavery, where his imagination had been his only escape, sinking into the depths of his storybooks, losing himself in the worlds he created. As an adult, his storybooks and drawings had been replaced by bottles and needles, seeking quick highs to escape the horrifying reality he found himself in. Day in, day out, terrible things happened and he couldn’t do anything to stop them. The Clone Wars raged on, every day more lives were taken by the senseless violence that surrounded them all. 

Nothing ever got better. Everything only got worse.

There was a world he’d known, before everything happened, a door he opened when he found himself in trouble. He found himself in a lot of places, most of them trouble, but he never expected to find himself in a medical bay, having survived another night of abusing his body, another night of escaping the pain.

Another night of making it all go away.

He sat up in his bed, the light hurting his eyes as he strained, shielding himself with his hand. His ears were ringing. His other arm was numb, unable to support himself as he fell back into the bed heavily, groaning. A shadow moved over him, the sounds of bottles and plastic tubs being placed meticulously onto the stainless steel bedside cabinet signalling him to roll onto his side, his eyes adjusting to his surroundings. He felt a pair of hands on his side, slowly maneuvering him onto his back, the shape over him becoming that of a nurse, an elderly woman, her eyes piercing into Anakin’s being. She was stern, but her presence almost soothed Anakin, like his body knew she was there to help him. She reeled off a list of the medication she had been given to help him take, the words like a foreign language to Anakin as the ringing continued. His mouth was dry, he was thirsty. The nurse set her clipboard at the end of the bed, returning to Anakin’s side.

“Mister Skywalker, are you listening?”

Anakin ran his hand over his stomach, dragging himself into a sitting-up position, 

“I am,” His voice was gravelly, his teeth felt out of place, he had a strange discomfort in his jaw, “Sorry.”

The nurse rested a hand on Anakin’s shoulder, holding out a small bottle, 

“Drink, Mister Skywalker,” She drew her hand back as Anakin took the bottle, drinking it empty of it’s contents immediately, “Are you aware of how you found yourself in this situation, Mister Skywalker?”

Anakin placed the bottle on the cabinet, allowing the water to calm the dryness of his mouth and throat, finally able to breathe again. His eyes drifted across the medical bay, his vision adjusted to the intense lighting of the room. He saw faces he recognised, from the streets, from the Temple, several Clone Troopers littering the beds. The nurse followed his eyes, 

“More Troopers than there is medicine,” She kept her voice low, returning her attention to Anakin, “But you haven’t answered my question.”   
  
Anakin looked up at the nurse, his eyes catching the reflection of her name badge in the light. Satine Kryze, Nurse Matron of the Coruscant Medical Facility. He’d been given top priority.

“I make mistakes, Nurse,” Anakin was almost cocky in his response, “I live my life by mistakes.”

Satine ran her hands down her uniform, flattening out a crease with a neat smile,

“This, I have gathered, Mister Skywalker,” She picked up the clipboard from the foot of the bed once more, eyeing it’s contents, “A history of substance abuse and alcoholism, you’ve been in and out of this facility, and no details of any rehabilitation,” Anakin sat back, resting his head on the pillow as Satine listed a collection of his many failures, unable to contain his ego from sitting on his face with a smirk. Satine caught his expression, “Mister Skywalker, it is my job to help you recover so that you can get back out onto the front lines as fast as possible, as pointless as I find this conflict to be,” She took a needle in her hand, checking she had the correct dosage, “Now, relax… Although I can’t imagine you’re a stranger to this sensation.”   
  
Anakin chuckled, holding out his arm compliantly, allowing Satine to inject him with the medicine. She removed the needle, setting it aside before tugging at Anakin’s robes,

“And button up that shirt, Mister Skywalker, this isn’t a frat house.” She turned on her heels, moving back out into the ward. Anakin frowned as he straightened his shoulders, relaxing into the bed,

“It’s not my fault my shoulders became so broad, everything just… Grew...”

“Funny how that happens,” A voice cooed from the next bed over, Anakin glancing in her direction to see a young woman lay there, her eyes deep and brown, same as her hair. She was pretty, too pretty to be in a medbay, Anakin had thought. 

“What do you mean?” Anakin smiled at the woman, she was older than he was, and he’d always found comfort in those who were older than him.

“Boys,” She replied, folding her arms across her chest, her hair tied up into a messy bun that looked so effortless, “You start growing, in the most interesting ways.” She laughed under her breath, watching the staff wander by, trays of pills and bottles to help the pain shrink, or to help the patients grow, she didn’t know anymore. She extended a hand across the gap between the beds, “Padmé Amidala.”   
  
Anakin met her hand, shaking it with a smile,

“Anakin Skywalker, pleasure to meet you, Padmé.” His eyes wandered over to her belongings, spotting a small picture on her bedside cabinet of Padmé holding a small tabby cat to her chest. She looked happy. Padmé kept her eyes on Anakin, glancing to the track marks on his bicep, 

“I see you’ve been brought in for more than just a fall, seems like you’ve been down the whole rabbit hole.” She gestured to the bandage on his elbow knowingly, “Trying to escape something?”   
  
Anakin pulled his sleeve down in defence, feeling a little  _ too  _ exposed in front of the girl he’d just met,    
“We’re all running from something, it’s just some of us can’t run as fast.” 

Padmé raised her hands in a mock surrender, her smile warm,

“I’m not here to judge, Anakin. That’s her royal highness’ job,” She pointed briefly to Satine, who wandered from Trooper to Trooper in the ward with her nose in the air. 

Across the ward, two young girls sat on a bed together, one of them a Nabooian human with hair as dark as Padmé’s, the other a Togruta from the planet Shili, her eyes bright and green. The human girl lay upside down on the bed, her head hanging off the edge, while the Togruta girl sat on the foot of the bed with a compact mirror in her hand, admiring herself.

“I’ll be out of here tomorrow,” She said as she curled her lashes with her fingertip, “My aunt is collecting me, it’s my birthday on Thursday and she’s throwing  _ me _ a party.” She spoke with an air of conceit, as if the way she stood with a mirror in her hand wasn’t enough. She ran a hand to her neck, gasping, “My necklace, my mother’s necklace, where is it?”   
  
The human girl sat up, lifting the necklace from her blouse with a sly smile,

“ _ It insisted. _ ”   
  
The other girl snatched the necklace away, clipping it around her neck,

“Sabé, we’ve talked about this.” She returned to admiring herself as Sabé flung herself back to hanging upside down in the bed,

“Ahsoka, tell me,” She stared ahead blankly, “Is it day or night.”

Ahsoka paused, before looking over her shoulder to the other girl,

“You choose.”   
  
The two girls broke down into childish laughter, finding their small exchange all too amusing.

Anakin shifted his attention across the ward from the girls, his eyes landing on a lone Clone Trooper, his uniform adorned with orange stripes to set him aside from other Troopers. He must be a sergeant, or a captain, or…

“Commander Cody, identification digits triple-two-four,” Satine raised a clipboard up as she stood beside the man, her eyes low, “What’s the matter with you, then…”   
  
Cody quickly saluted, his expression frozen in a state of shock, panic,

“Commander Cody,  _ sah,  _ reporting for duty,  _ sah _ , I didn’t mean to do it,  _ sah _ , I was aiming…” His voice began to break, his body seeming to tense up, “I was aiming for the…” He slowly lowered his hand from the salute, his breathing heavy. Satine set the clipboard aside with a sigh, 

“Lost his mind to yet another battlefield trauma, clearly,” She muttered, guiding Cody to sit down on a bed, his entire body rigid as he found a perch on the edge of the mattress, “I’m prescribing Aripiprazole, Clozapine and a bi-weekly dosage of Respridone.” She listed as she scribbled on a slip of paper she had pulled from her apron, “Anti-psychotics, strong.” She ripped the paper in two, handing one half off to another nurse and tucking the other half back into her apron. 

A man with dark hair wandered the ward idly, catching Anakin’s attention as he passed his bed, a distant look in his eyes as he brushed shoulders with nurses, greeting patients as he passed, posture hunched over slightly, he seemed tired.

“Qui-Gon Jinn, it’s time for your medicine,” A nurse beckoned, the man grinning as he staggered over to his bed, sitting down and holding out his arm eagerly. The nurse managed a small smile as she injected him with a serum, sighing, “You’re far too happy to be taking a sedative.”   
  
Qui-Gon chuckled heartily, seeming to relax as the drugs entered his body,   
“One drop, nurse,” He spoke in a low purr, “And all this…” He motioned to the ward with his free arm, “It goes away.”

In the bed beside Qui-Gon, a young boy rocked himself back and forth, his knees hugged to his chest as he exhaled shakily. He wore robes adorned with a youngling sash, he stared ahead, unfocused, his eyes a pale, milky teal colour. He dragged his fingers across his knees, as if needing to touch something, to know that it was there. He whispered to himself, assuring himself that  _ everything would be okay, everything would be okay _ . An aide came to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder, the boy jerking away from the touch,

“Please, Caleb,” The man tightened his grip on his shoulder, “We need to redress your wounds.” He pulled a roll of bandages from his belt, pulling at the sleeves of Caleb’s robes harshly. Caleb whimpered, continuing to stare ahead as he gave in, allowing the man to take his arm and pull his sleeve up, exposing stained bandages up his arm, which as they were removed, exposed grotesque burn wounds up his body. 

“Mummy said the tea was too hot,” Caleb’s voice was weak, trembling, “Mummy said that I needed to see how hot it was.”

Anakin crossed his legs, sitting up as he continued to watch people across the ward, fascinated by the intensities of their behaviour, and the disregard they were treated with. The entire room turned their attention to the doors as a new bed was wheeled in, tailed by several facility staff, including a much older man with a menacing presence, his hair a dark grey, clearly a man who has done his time in the profession. He barked orders to the nurses around him, the bed slowly turning as they wheeled it into the available spot. In the bed, lay a man who Anakin recognised, and not just any man.

The man Anakin had once given his heart to. His best friend, who had trained him into the Jedi Knight he was, who had spent countless hours with him in the hospital, by his side  _ always _ .

Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan groaned, holding his side as he hissed through his teeth, seething in pain. Anakin’s heartbeat doubled, scrambling to get out of his bed, 

“Obi-Wan,” He found the words had left him before he’d even thought of them, staggering as he made quick moves to get over to him, “Obi-Wan!” He called out, pushing through nurses and aides, who quickly began to restrain him. Satine looked up from yet another clipboard, quickly striding over to break apart the situation,

“Mister Skywalker,  _ please _ ,” She pushed the larger men off him, pulling him by his arm back over to his bed, “Cease this insanity at once.”   
  
Anakin resisted, panic causing him to struggle against Satine’s icy grip, anxiety coursing through his veins as he tried to get to Obi-Wan,

“Please, he’s  _ hurt _ !”   
  


“The sky is falling!” Cody suddenly yelled, falling to his knees beside the bed, looking up with horror in his eyes, shielding his head from screwed up balls of paper that Ahsoka and Sabé had thrown at him, the girls laughing like children at their mockery. 

“We’re always falling,” Qui-Gon lay back in his bed, the sedatives having kicked in as a cheesy grin found its way onto his lips, kicking one leg over the other as he drifted into a diazepam-fueled high.

  
Satine pulled Anakin hard, standing him beside his bed, her voice raising considerably,

“ _ Look around you,  _ Mister Skywalker,” She gestured grandly to the remainder of the ward, a vein on the side of her swan-like neck popping out as her tone intensified, “Every single person in this ward is  _ hurt _ , and it is the job of my colleagues and myself to stop them from feeling  _ hurt _ .” She sat Anakin down in the bed, guiding him into a flat lying down position, her touch forceful, uncaring. 

“Nurse Kryze,” The man who had came in with Obi-Wan moved up beside them, his glasses sitting on the tip of his craned nose, “We have the, uh... “   
  
“The report, Doctor Dooku,” Satine turned to face him, placing a hand on his arm, leading him away from Anakin’s bed, the pair discussing the papers in what may as well have been another language.

Anakin lay in the bed, his mind racing with worries about what had happened to Obi-Wan, how he’d ended up in this prison of a ward, with the toxic monarchy of Doctor Dooku and Nurse Kryze, and their soldiers,  _ all their little soldiers _ .

“Mad,” Padmé sat in her bed, fingers tangled in a ball of yarn as she played Cat’s Cradle with herself, forming shapes from the red strings, “They’ve all gone mad in here.” She glanced to Anakin, their eyes meeting in a clash, and she quickly set the yarn aside. She shifted her legs over the side of the bed, a playful grin on her lips, “But you, you’re different,” She glanced over to Satine, then back to Anakin, “You really wanna go see your friend?”   
  
Anakin shifted, mirroring Padmé’s movement as he sat on the edge of his bed,    
“More than anything,” He kept his body still to not arouse suspicion from the facility staff, “What’s the plan?”   
  
Padmé kicked her legs up, crossing them and placing a finger to her lips, before taking a wild swing at the bottles on her bedside, glass shattering as it collided with the hard tiled floor, pills scattering like insects in sunlight, the loud crash gaining the attention of Satine and Dooku, the former sternly marching towards them, her face turning a deep red,   
“ _ Padmé! _ ” She had lost her temper, officially. Padmé grinned, nodding to Anakin as the aides around Obi-Wan scattered, drawing the curtain around his bed.

Anakin slipped off the other side of his bed, taking his chance to sneak across the ward, creeping around the curtain to Obi-Wan’s side, who strained to sit up, looking at Anakin with wide eyes,

“Anakin?” He grunted as he felt pain across his body, coughing violently into his sleeve. He was pale, too pale, “What are you doing?”   
  
Anakin climbed into the bed beside Obi-Wan, placing a hand on his, his heart skipping a beat as he squeezed the other man’s hand,   
“I’m here to see you, Obi-Wan, I needed to make sure you’re okay,” He shuffled closer, the other man hissing in pain, his back arching, shaking his head as he slumped against Anakin, who wrapped an arm around him, keeping him close, “Obi-Wan, I’m here, we’ll be okay, we’re always okay.”

Obi-Wan breathed heavily as he lay against Anakin, hacking a cough again, whimpering,   
“Anakin…” He tried, chest heaving, “I don’t think we’re okay, I don’t think anything is okay.”

They lay in the bed, Anakin resting his head on Obi-Wan’s, 

“We can go back, you know,” He whispered into the other man’s hair, “We can always go back.” 

Obi-Wan exhaled slowly, shakily, the wounds to his body causing too much pain to bear, the spores in his lungs clinging, tightening, the constricting feeling beginning to hurt.

“Go back where?” He managed, moving closer into Anakin’s side, nuzzling him almost. Anakin kissed Obi-Wan’s forehead, eyes closed,

“To Wonderland, Obi-Wan. We can go back now, I…” He reached into his robe, pulling out a small, barely legible book, “I still have the book you gave me. It’s silly that I still have it, really… I know it all by heart.”

Obi-Wan coughed into Anakin’s robe, squeezing him closer, throat dry,   
“The book?” He lifted his head, before sinking back into his friend’s side, “Anakin, please, we haven’t got time…”

The curtain was flung open, Satine stood there in all her fearsome glory, eyes narrowing as she stared a hole through Anakin,

“Mister Skywalker,” Her voice was calm, but the tension in her body showed she was seconds from tearing him apart, “I am going to ask you  _ one more time _ ,” She took slow steps over to him, “Back to your own bed, now.”   
  
Anakin hugged Obi-Wan close, wincing as he refused to let go of his friend,   
“No,” He retorted quickly, the book slipping from his hands, which Satine quickly grabbed, examining it,   
“Alice’s Adventures in… Anakin, you may find it easy to lose yourself in such  _ fantasies  _ but this,” She held the book high, moving out of the bay, Anakin scrambling after her, “This is madness!”   
  
Satine brought the book back down, her temper finally getting the better of her as she began to tear pages out, Anakin clawing at her skirt desperately,

“No,  _ no! _ ” He pleaded, “That’s mine!”   
  
Ahsoka and Sabé watched in delight, the two girls cackling incessantly,

“Clinging to a children’s book?” Sabé jeered, bouncing on the bed slightly, Ahsoka rising to her feet,   
“Pathetic!”   
  
Anakin was on his knees in the centre of the ward, frantically collecting the pages that Satine threw out, looking around before catching Padmé’s eye as she stood by her bed, reaching out to him,

“They can’t take it from you, Anakin,” She assured, nodding as the man staggered to his feet, “Nobody can take it from where it matters.”   
  
With a sudden burst of confidence, Anakin sprang up, climbing onto the bed and standing tall, Satine storming towards him,   
“Anakin Skywalker, get off that bed!”   
  
“No,  _ off with your head! _ ” Anakin yelled back, the entire ward looking at him in surprise, murmuring in response to his outburst, “Stop, you, and you! I’ll show you, all of you,” He grinned, watching as the world around him began to melt away, and he turned on his heels, crossing his hands over his heart, “I’ll show you.”

_ I know it all by heart. _

Anakin stepped off the bed, and suddenly he was reciting his story word by word, his robes slipping away into nothingness, and his mind taking over as he found the drugs bringing him to his world, his world where nobody could hurt him, or hurt Obi-Wan. 

He’d spent his time observing the people in the ward around him, and he knew where he had seen them all before, they were just like the characters in his story. 

A vicious queen, a lonely mouse at a tea party, a wise caterpillar lost in a haze, an old soldier who's lost his head… 

This was his story.

  
  



	2. The Caterpillar's Fumes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we're down the hole, and Anakin is calling from the centre of his being, chasing his beloved White Rabbit into Wonderland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for choosing to continue this pic! Things are gonna continue to get a little hot and heavy, this being a far more ADULT version of Wonderland!

_ “You need to get up, Anakin,” Obi-Wan stood over the younger man, who slumped against the wall, incoherent and dazed, far-gone into his high, “We need to get you to a hospital.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Anakin giggled as he reached out to Obi-Wan, eyes cloudy and distant,  _

_ “Are we late, my white rabbit?” He asked softly, a loving smile on his lips as Obi-Wan helped him to his feet, supporting him with an arm around his waist. _

_ “Yes,” Obi-Wan forced a smile, only managing a weak one as he helped his drugged-up friend out of the alleyway, “We’re very late, Anakin, for a very important date.” _

_ Anakin rested into Obi-Wan’s side, inhaling deeply, eyes closed. _

_ “I love you, Obi-Wan.” _

  * * *



Anakin felt himself falling, the tiled floor of the hospital ward collapsing underneath him as he tumbled into the darkness, a weightless sensation filling his body as he plummeted into his world, closing his eyes. He was lost in a summery haze, the hole he was falling down was hot, and once upon a time he wouldn’t have known where to look, or what to do. He rolled onto his back, stretching his arms out to feel the air pressure opening around him, his mind wandering back to Obi-Wan, the sound of a ticking clock causing him to roll back onto his front, opening his eyes and looking down, light visible in the distance as he approached his landing, the ticking sound becoming louder as he got closer, and closer to the ground, tilting himself into an upright position and landing squarely on his feet, and as he hit the ground below, everything else seemed so tiny, he wondered where it had all gone, the world he’d left behind.

But he was down the hole, and that’s what mattered. 

He looked around the room, exhaling slowly as he caught himself, the ticking sound echoing around the room, which Anakin decided to follow. He knew that wherever the ticking sound was, he would find his beloved White Rabbit, and he was going to catch him this time. He took long strides in the direction he heard the ticking from, following it until he reached a door. He knew this door, and he knew that when he had been here in his childhood, he had faced quite a challenge facing this particular door, growing and shrinking, misplacing keys. This time he couldn’t find any cakes or bottles, but this time he had already grown. He had grown in the most interesting way. He clasped his hand around the doorknob, twisting it and opening the door, pushing through as blinding bright lights broke out the cracks, Anakin finding himself once again in his marvellous Wonderland. He allowed the sounds and smells of Wonderland to consume his senses, the ticking having faded to nothing as the ambience of the lush forest greenery before him washed over his body.

And there, stood under an arch of bluebells, stood his White Rabbit, Obi-Wan. He stood proudly, gallant, in a white waistcoat with a red sash pinned ornately across his torso. That was the Obi-Wan he knew, the Obi-Wan he  _ loved _ . He felt himself changing as he raced towards his White Rabbit, falling deeper into the fantasy world he’d created as his tunic melted away into a beautiful Alice-blue shirt. He slowed as he reached Obi-Wan, heart racing as he stood with him once more,

“I’m not too late.” He said at last under his breath, his heart skipping a beat as Obi-Wan turned to look at him, smiling warmly,

“There you are, Anakin, it’s well past time you know,” He pulled his pocket watch from his breast pocket, clicking it open with a hum, Anakin placing a hand on his, lowering the watch from his view,

“I know, but,” He didn’t dare take his eyes off of him, “I’m just so pleased to see you,  _ here _ .”   
  
Obi-Wan allowed the pause to settle between them, his hand still with Anakin’s, 

“I’m pleased to see you,” He echoed his sentiments, but the rabbit continued to brood, looking over his shoulder into the flora, “But I’m late, by my ears and whiskers, I must be going-” He went to move, but Anakin kept his hands tightly around his, ensuring he stayed there,

“ _ No _ !” He exclaimed, Obi-Wan turning back to him in surprise, seeing Anakin so eager to keep him there concerned him, but he had to go,

“Anakin, how long can we stay on the same page?”

_ Just for a moment, please _ .

Anakin begged Obi-Wan with his eyes, pulling his hands to his chest, desperate to slow the turn of the pages, to make this story last as long as he could. Obi-Wan pulled his hands free, his tone soft,

“We stop when it’s the end, Anakin. In the beginning, we begin.” He turned, beginning to make his way into the greenery, Anakin tailing him immediately,

“But this is the story,” He had to take quick steps to keep up with his rabbit, “We are in the story!”

As they moved through the flowers, the sunlight dappled through the leaves above, a sweet summer breeze breaking the tensions, Obi-Wan breathed slowly, taking the opportunity to do so while he could,

“Yes, we are in the story, so we must be  _ in  _ the story.” He lifted a branch with his hand, allowing Anakin to walk through first, following after him, a soft chuckle puffing from his chest, “Have you been eating marble cake again, Anakin? You’ve grown.” He ran a hand delicately across Anakin’s shoulder to his bicep, causing the smaller man to blush, closing the gap between them,

“Is that so bad?” Anakin asked quietly, feeling Obi-Wan’s heartbeat in his chest as he rested his head against him. The older man gave in, wrapping his arms around Anakin as they stood in the woodland, holding him close, knowing their time together was limited. 

Tick, tock, tick, tock… There’s no stopping the clock within, Obi-Wan knew this. Time was chasing him and he had to keep going, he had to finish the story with Anakin. They remained there, still, for just a moment. Anakin nuzzled his White Rabbit’s chest, 

“Let the queen wait, Obi-Wan, she’ll be there when we go, we are always going to be late.” His voice was soft and tender against the other man, who didn’t respond, simply squeezing his friend closer, resting his chin on his head. 

After a moment, Obi-Wan broke the embrace, taking Anakin’s hand and placing a pair of white gloves in his palm, 

“I leave you with these, see you on another page.” He broke into a sprint, disappearing into the woodland before Anakin could even react to the gloves, holding them up to find they were much too small for his hands. He laughed, barely able to stretch them over his fingers as he wandered the forest,

“Curiouser and curiouser,” He recited, “I’m huge! Where have my shoulders got to?” He flexed his torso slightly, feeling the top button of his shirt pop open. He looked over his arms, intrigued by his changes, “It’s no use going back to yesterday, I was a different person then, but if I am not me…”   
  
“Then who are you?” A deep voice boomed from a nearby clearing in the woods, shrouded by a thick fog. Anakin wafted his hand in front of his face, the fumes had a strange fruity, sweet fragrance, almost a cotton-candy scent. At the centre of the clearing, there was a large sapling, connected to an all-too-big leaf that curved like a reclining chair, which is exactly what it was being used as. In the leaf sat Qui-Gon, a hookah placed between his lips as he hooked one leg over the other, removing the pipe from his lips and releasing the thick fog back into the air, a smirk plastered on his face. Anakin looked around the clearing, several Twi’lek females sat around, scantily dressed, obviously stoned out their minds.

“Pay them no mind,” Qui-Gon waved his hand dismissively, “For what is a caterpillar without his legs, hm?” His voice was sultry, seductive, his laid-back demeanour drawing Anakin ever closer, “But who,” He repeated, sitting up, “Are you?”

Anakin stepped over plush pillows and strewn about blankets, the fog lifting slightly to reveal the clearing had changed, no longer in a woodland but now a familiar dark room, dimly lit by pools of ambient pink, red and purple lights, a distant thumping of trance music from nearby. He knew this room, but from where?

“I’m afraid I don’t know anymore, Mister Caterpillar,” He said at last, returning his attention to Qui-Gon, who sat no longer on a leaf, but now in a luxurious throne, padded and quilted for supreme comfort, as he blew a puff of smoke into the air nonchalantly, “I’ve changed, somewhat.”   
  
“You’ve changed your mind?” Qui-Gon asked, smirking as a green Twi’lek female climbed the back of the throne, sliding her hands over his shoulders and down his chest, her lips at his ear, 

“And his body too,” She hissed wryly, eyes running over Anakin’s frame. Qui-Gon chuckled, sitting up and offering her the hookah,

“Don’t I know it, Hera…” 

Anakin felt a lump forming in his throat, the women around the room now turning their attention to him, a lustful haze in the smoke, a hunger on their lips. He knew where he was, he knew this club. He’d been here before.

  * * *



_ “One hour with the boy, six hundred.” The large shadow of a man commanded, Anakin watching through a crack in the door. He needed the credits, he was desperate. The female handed the man a stack of steel, being granted access to the back room. Anakin stumbled back, the taste of alcohol still burning in his throat.  _

_ He needed the credits. _

_ The door slid open, a woman making her way across to the bed slowly, where Anakin sat, having already prepped himself, ready to do what was asked of him. _

_ The following hour was torture, and Anakin felt filthy, the only thing to keep him going was the prospect of payment at the end of the job, payment which would get him closer to his next buzz, his next escape. _

_ Anakin didn’t see days anymore, he didn’t understand a passage of time. He worked from high to high, everything in-between an inconvenience, holding him back from his next escape. _

  * * *



“Who are you?” Anakin gestured to Hera, who exhaled a stream of smoke into his face, handing the hookah back to Qui-Gon with a playful snicker,

“Come and see,” She slithered over the back of the throne, sliding into Qui-Gon’s lap, laying back across the arm of the chair, Anakin unable to stop himself from admiring the dangerous curves of her body.

“Are you a part of him?” He pulled the question from the air, his eyes moving to Qui-Gon, who leaned over Hera, holding out his hand, that sly smirk remaining on his lips,

“Or is she part of you?”

Anakin raised his hands to his head, his ears ringing as the buzz began to leave him, squeezing his eyes closed. He was so confused, this wasn’t the story he knew. He slowly opened his eyes, finding the hookah being offered to him by both Qui-Gon and Hera.

“One puff,” Qui-Gon slowly waved the pipe in Anakin’s face, smirking, “And all this goes away.” 

Anakin stepped back, rejecting the offer, surprising himself. He looked at his hands, a tingling sensation moving from his fingertips up his arms, he shook his head,

“This isn’t like the pictures in the book.” He felt a panic starting to set in, the sounds of the club lingering in the back of his mind, the feeling of the women crawling up his body, a sickness bloating in his stomach.

“The power to stop time,” Hera rolled onto her back, her legs either side of Qui-Gon’s head, her neck craning between his knees, “It works on all of us, why not try yourself?” She now held the hookah, extending through her limbs to offer him the pipe once again. 

Taking the pipe in his hand, Anakin remembered Obi-Wan, wishing that he was there with him.

“My friend, you know,” He tightened his grip on the pipe, “He is consumed by time, he wants to follow time yet he feels it is chasing him.”

Qui-Gon rested his head back, relaxing into the position he and Hera had found themselves in, 

“We’re all running, remember?”   
  
Hera slid her hands over her torso, her arms relaxing across Qui-Gon’s thighs,

“Only some of us cannot run as fast.”

  * * *



_ “One hundred and twenty?” Anakin gestured to the credits on the bed, his voice breaking, “She paid six hundred!” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ The man pushed Anakin aside, moving toward the door, _

_ “Twenty percent. That’s your cut.” His voice was distorted, or was that just the memory obscuring his identity? Anakin chased him, pulling at his clothes, _

_ “No, no! I need more money!” _

_ He was thrown across the room suddenly, his back meeting the quilted wall with a mighty thud, falling to the floor heavily. The man loomed over him, tossing a small baggie to his chest, _

_ “Have this, little junkie. Don’t expect many freebies in the future.” _

_ Anakin’s head lulled to the side as he watched the man leave the room, taking the baggie in his fingers to see the golden crystals inside. Ryloth crystal, finely cut. He rolled onto his knees, moving the contents of the bedside table to create a space, carefully emptying the bag’s contents onto the hardwood. He grabbed one of the slim credit slabs off the bed, using it to separate the crystals into fine lines, before lowering himself down, taking the drug into his nostrils hungrily. He could immediately feel the quality, the searing, burning sensation causing him to lurch backwards, hissing through clenched teeth, fighting through it. He needed to get high, he needed to forget what he’d just done.  _

_ He never wanted to see that woman again, and hopefully he never would. _

  * * *



Anakin looked at the hookah in his hands, an unfamiliar uncertainty in his chest,

“Are you certain this will help?”   
  
“You tell us,” Qui-Gon ran his hand from Hera’s shin to her thigh beside his head, “Show us and disappear, as you might say, a lover disappears into a kiss.” His words sent shudders up Anakin’s spine, and he bit the bullet, taking the pipe into his mouth, inhaling deeply and holding it, allowing the drug to take its effect, before exhaling the fumes slowly, the room lifting up in delight as they welcomed him back into their world. 

“Where have you gone?” Hera asked, running her tongue along her lips, pushing her voluptuous chest out slightly, “Have you been there yet?” She slid from Qui-Gon’s lap, rolling to the floor and standing, sauntering over to Anakin, her hand gliding up to his shoulder as she stood behind him,

“Relax, it’s wonderful, drift into the fume,” She whispered slowly into his ear, guiding him toward Qui-Gon in his chair, “Do you feel it?”   
  
Anakin giggled distantly, his head falling back onto Hera’s shoulder, his hand finding his neck, patting it,

“My neck feels a million miles long,” He slumped forward, climbing into Qui-Gon’s lap, who slid a hand underneath him, supporting him as he lifted him closer, “Disappear like lovers into a kiss…” He repeated Qui-Gon’s words from before, gazing into the older man’s eyes as he sat in his lap, Hera climbing on behind him and sliding her arms around his body, resting her chin on his shoulder. Anakin felt the heat of the moment, leaning down and pressing his lips slowly to Qui-Gon’s, the kiss lasting mere moments before it broke, Anakin beginning to giggle again, his mind buzzing with the drug haze. Hera whispered instructions breathily into his ear, the three of them becoming tangled in a web of kisses, and touches, hands running across skin, the moment seeming to last forever as they shared turns on the pipe, Anakin forgetting his inhibitions as he lost himself in the Caterpillar’s lair.

Qui-Gon slid his hands round to cup Anakin’s ass, Hera grappling onto him from behind, the feeling of all these limbs and hands around him all too familiar, the sensation of sweat and hot breath against his skin sending him reeling, but his mind remained on Obi-Wan. He arched his back, head resting back as he gasped, Qui-Gon littering his chest with kisses, Anakin closing his eyes to imagine that it was Obi-Wan underneath him, taking him, loving him. He wanted so desperately to be in some other dream, where all he held was Obi-Wan. 

He chilled his regrets, returning to his world and tugging back on Qui-Gon’s ponytail, kissing him again with more force, Hera cooing as she walked her fingers up Anakin’s neck,

“He’s found himself again, it seems,” She teased, kissing behind his ear, pressing herself into him, weighing Anakin deeper into his kiss with Qui-Gon, sliding her other hand over his, guiding him to touch more of the man below him, pressuring him to push further. Anakin was too lost in the fog of the cannabis and opium from the hookah to care, suddenly craving the contact, needing to feel something,  _ anything _ , to distract from his wandering mind, to detach from thoughts of Obi-Wan.

It was wonderful, it was as sweet as rain. He held another view of himself, but he still wanted to hold Obi-Wan. 

Obi-wan, unbeknownst to the Caterpillar and his Legs, and even more unaware was Anakin, stood to the side, awkwardly fumbling with his pocket watch, the sight before him in the clearing a little  _ too  _ much to handle. He had been standing there for some time, watching Hera and Qui-Gon have their wicked way with his Anakin, his  _ Alice _ . He pushed the possessive thoughts aside, taking small steps toward the tangled mess of limbs and lips and lovers. He cleared his throat to gain their attention, his attempts proving futile. His lungs tightened, a reminder that he didn’t have as much time as Anakin wanted him to have.

He needed to finish what he could, while he could.

  
  



	3. The Duchess' Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin falls deeper into his false reality, chasing Obi-Wan, desperate to keep him as close as possible, his journey leading him to the garden of the bitter Duchess, and her tirade of insults.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read this mindfuck! I am not well.

_ “Obi-Wan,” Anakin looked up at the man, his body exhausted as he lay in the hospital bed, his eyes struggling to stay open, “Can’t we stay on this page, forever?” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Obi-Wan ran his hand through Anakin’s hair softly, leaning down and kissing his forehead tenderly, _

_ “We cannot stay still forever, Anakin. Everything must change, it is the way of life.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Anakin reached up, his hand finding Obi-Wan’s shoulder, keeping him close. _

_ “You’re my only family, Obi-Wan…” _

  * * *



“I believe you have my gloves,” Obi-Wan said suddenly, the three in the leaf turning to face him, Hera and Qui-Gon totally disinterested, while Anakin’s heart leapt for joy, pushing his way out of the triad,

“Obi-Wan, I…” He stood before him, pausing to giggle blankly, “I do, yes, sorry…” He pulled the small white gloves from his pocket, holding them out for Obi-Wan to take.

“I’ve been waiting for our scene, you know the part, on a page just ahead,” Obi-Wan mumbled, pocketing the gloves, his eyes on the floor, “You know, you grow so big, and destroy my house, and I call you Mary Ann?”

Anakin hunched over in laughter, the Caterpillar laughing in his green throne along with him, 

“I’m afraid he got a little distracted,” Qui-Gon smirked, watching as Hera slinking behind them, running a teasing hand over Obi-Wan’s shoulder,

“As if you meant nothing more to him than a simple  _ Mary Ann _ .” Her tone was venomous, Obi-Wan retreating from her touch immediately,

“These… Insects, they don’t know what they’re talking about, Anakin,” Obi-Wan took Anakin’s hand, pulling him closer, “We must go, I have so little time… Time, time, why did I come down here at all?” He looked down at his Alice, heart heavy, “Is this what you know by heart?”   
  
Anakin pressed a finger to Obi-Wan’s lips, periodically giggling,

“Perhaps I’m looking through a different glass,” He ran the finger down Obi-Wan’s neck to his chest, “You followed me, but you won’t  _ follow  _ me.” He met Obi-Wan’s eyes, his gaze unfocused, drifting momentarily before shooting back to his White Rabbit, that dizzy smile never leaving his face, “Don’t you think we’re a little too big for this?”

Hera approached slowly, the hookah dancing between her fingertips,

“But this, it slows time,” She held it out for Obi-Wan to take, standing tall as he refused it, his expression bleeding concern from inside.

“Impossible, nothing can slow time,” He kept Anakin close, but Anakin took the hookah for him, mesmerised by the puffs and fumes it gave out,   
  
“Something interesting is sure to happen, Alice said,” Anakin raised the pipe to Obi-Wan’s lips, urging him to take a puff. Obi-Wan broke away from him, staggering back and shaking his head,

“Anakin, my dear…” He trailed off, the Caterpillar smirking as he sat on his throne, watching the events unfold, “My dear… Whiskers and fur,” Obi-Wan caught himself, “The Queen! She’ll have my head, Anakin, we must be going!”

Anakin silenced Obi-Wan with his finger, before hooking his arms around the older man’s neck, closing his eyes as he held onto him, Obi-Wan melting into the embrace. He was unable to resist Anakin, his arms sinking into the small of the younger man’s back, lifting him ever closer. Qui-Gon sat back in his leaf, Hera rising to his side, both of them wearing that sly smirk.

Their hug was broken slowly, Anakin gazing up into Obi-Wan’s eyes,

“No more hurry, my White Rabbit,” His lips were inches from his, breathing hot against Obi-Wan’s skin, “Let your worry fade.” He kept close to him, sneaking the hookah towards his lips, which Obi-Wan rejected again, frowning,

“But, Anakin-”   
  
Anakin slid the hookah into Obi-Wan’s mouth, gently encouraging him to take a puff, walking him through it slowly. He held it, before allowing the fumes to escape, his entire body relaxing, pulling Anakin into a loving embrace, the younger man reaching up, handing the hookah back to Hera as he shushed Obi-Wan again, only for a moment this time, pulling him along, away from the Caterpillar’s den, eyes half lidded,

“We can rise beyond what’s gone, my love,” He watched as Qui-Gon and Hera faded into the foliage, the path opening for them to the shore, the moon shining on the water, “Just please, with a key sublime, we’ll unwind the clock.” 

The duo wandered the path, finding themselves on the beach, laying in the sand, staring up into the starry night sky, counting the lights they could see. They laughed, they smiled, they rolled along the beach with the waves. The moment seemed to last forever, until Anakin suddenly found himself alone in the sand, his White Rabbit nowhere to be found. He stood, seeping his feet and ankles in the tide, the waves rolling delicately over his skin. He stared into his reflection, watching as his head seemed to separate from his shoulders,

“Curiouser!” He was giddy, gleeful as he was certain his head was attached to his body, but his reflection said otherwise, his hands finding his neck as the water before him rippled, a shape taking form on the water’s edge. A grin floated by, vapours sweeping together as Padmé appeared beside him, placing her hands on his shoulders,

“Hello there,” She kept close, moving around him to stand on the water, “How are you doing?”   
  
“Cheshire Puss,” Anakin teetered side to side, patting his neck, “It would appear I’ve lost my head!” He moved from his reflection, looking up at Padmé as she circled him, seeming to glide on air, her voice mellow and calm,

“The world has lost its head, Anakin, you know this. We’re all mad here, I’m mad, you’re mad…”   
  
Anakin lowered his hands, his smile fading briefly as he looked to the Cheshire Puss before him,

“So… Am I mad?”   
  
“A perfectly appropriate response.” Padmé evaporated before Anakin, the boy reaching out frantically for her, 

“Cheshire, please don’t go!” He called out, flinching as she reappeared beside him, turning him back toward the beach, gesturing to a grand oak that sprouted from the sand, standing high above the other trees of the forest, looming over them. Obi-Wan lay at the top of the tree, reclining in the leaves with his hands behind his head. She gave him a gentle nudge toward the tree, and Anakin turned back to her for a moment, knowing they had to get the story back on track, and he began to climb, starting to recite lines from the story once more,

“Alice climbed that massive tree as best she could, for her head kept getting entangled amongst the branches,” Anakin quoted his story as he scaled the tree, pulling himself into the leaves atop the enormous oak, sitting beside Obi-Wan, who jolted upon his arrival, Anakin shrinking back slightly,

“Sorry, Obi-Wan, I just…” He moved closer, gazing out at the sea, “Have you ever imagined yourself to be otherwise than what it might appear to others, you might not otherwise have been, or appear to them to be?” 

Obi-Wan stared out at the ocean beside him, nodding slowly,

“Yes. Exactly.”

The pair sat in silence for a few seconds, before they erupted into laughter, Obi-Wan laying back, gasping as he crawled to the other side of the tree,

“Anakin, look! The tree tops, have you ever seen such tree tops?” He tugged at Anakin’s shirt, looking back at him and over his shoulder, the beach below suddenly covered with lobsters, dancing their lobster waltz. Anakin watched them in awe, Obi-Wan sitting beside him, “Suddenly I’m hungry.” He snickered, patting his stomach, looking at Anakin, who looked back at him. Anakin was beautiful under the moonlight, time seeming to halt as they looked into each other’s eyes. Padmé materialised above them, casually floating by, rocking her head slowly side to side,

“Will they, won’t they, will they, won’t they…” She went on, rolling onto her stomach and looking over them, her eyes half lidded.

“Won’t you dance with me, Obi-Wan?” Anakin asked finally, taking his White Rabbit’s hand eagerly, but Obi-Wan withdrew his hand, laughing nervously,

“You wouldn’t want to dance with me, Anakin, I’ve two left paws.” He turned away, looking into his lap. Anakin reached up, lifting his chin with his finger, guiding him to look at him,   
  
“You have no idea how delightful it will be, when they take us, and they throw us, with the lobsters out to sea.” He recited the poem eloquently, smiling lovingly as he stood, helping Obi-Wan to his feet, leading him into a waltz in the treetops, the pair dancing by the pale moonlight, Obi-Wan taking the lead once he felt confident, Anakin resting his head against his chest once again, Padmé watching over them as she slowly drifted away across the moon, singing a bittersweet song of the lobster’s waltz as she faded away, her smile being the last thing to disappear. 

Anakin and Obi-Wan slowly waltzed, the tree beneath them sinking into the ground, eventually disappearing into the sand, leaving them to waltz freely on the beach. Obi-Wan twirled Anakin under his arm, before drawing him close, about to kiss, before he stepped back, a hand shooting to his chest, clutching it as he felt his lungs tighten again, his breathing restricted for a moment. Anakin stumbled back, wincing as he saw Obi-Wan in pain,    
“Please, Obi-Wan, just one more minute on this page!” He pleaded, taking his hands in his, which Obi-Wan did not reject, instead squeezing them tightly,

“What page, we’re not even on a  _ page _ ,” He exclaimed, his eyes wide and full of sorrow, “You ask me for one more minute, Anakin, but we know about minutes, they start so small, seconds rolling into one another, becoming minutes, then hours, going into years, years, then they’re gone, gone,” He held Anakin’s hands to his chest, his voice straining as he pointed to himself, “Gone.  _ Gone _ .” He repeated, releasing Anakin’s hands and starting to move away, “I’m late, I’m oh so very late,”   
  
Anakin reached out for him, desperate to stop him, 

“Obi-Wan, please,” He called, chasing him into the forest once more, losing him pretty quickly. 

  * * *



_ Anakin sat across from Obi-Wan in the diner, poking at the food on his plate with his fork, uninterested in the ‘retro pancake stack’ Obi-Wan had ordered him. The older man rested his arms on the table, leaning in with a gentle smile, _

_ “If you don’t eat your breakfast, you won’t have the energy to focus during training later.” He slid a glass of juice across to him, encouraging him to eat and drink. Anakin huffed, sinking into the booth chair,  _

_ “You aren’t eating anything,” He mumbled, in his usual teenager fashion, his eyelids feeling heavy already, “Don’t you need to focus?” He pushed the plate of food over to Obi-Wan, who politely pushed it back, chuckling, _

_   
_ _ “I don’t have a hangover, Anakin, you do.” _

_ Anakin looked at Obi-Wan, then at the food. He sighed heavily, and began to eat. _

_ He couldn’t argue with that. _

  * * *



He wandered the woodland aimlessly, until he found himself in an ornate garden, under the shade of a white brick castle, a large door on the side of the building, connecting it to the garden. Anakin meandered into the garden, pushing his hair back with a groan, “How I wish I could…  _ Shut myself up like a telescope _ !” 

“Too late,  _ pig _ !” A voice jeered from nearby, Anakin spinning to find the source, frowning as he found Sabé, standing there in the door to the castle in all her overly self-righteous glory, a large paddle in her hand, a scowl on her face. She looked wretched. She was the Duchess, the fake queen, the angry little lady with a Napoleon complex. She sauntered into the garden, her comically big dress dragging on the floor behind her, “Well, well! This little piggy,” She spat the words at Anakin, “He just  _ could not stay home _ !” She led with her hips, patting the paddle in her other hand, “All grown up, are you?”   
  
Anakin stepped away from her, finding himself repulsed by her appearance, supporting himself on a low brick wall, 

“Not entirely, my Duchess.” He replied nervously, his anxiousness rising as Sabé hummed a singsong tune, approaching him closely,

“Not what I hear.” She leaned in menacingly, lifting Anakin’s chin with her paddle, a vicious grin on her face. 

“From who-”   
  
“From  _ you _ ,” She stepped back, stomping across her garden, flailing her paddle in the air, “Wandering through the afternoon, chasing your beloved rabbit and tripping on opioids,” She turned back to face Anakin, pouting, “Really?  _ Insects,  _ dear?” 

Anakin took a step towards her, not shrinking against such a cruel opponent,    
“My Duchess, I can explain, it was not all that simple…” He tried, but Sabé’s inflated ego was too much, and she simply interrupted him with her mocking tone,

“Rule forty-two dear, you know it!” She opted for a regal stance, only looking more grotesque by doing so, “You’re so  _ ooh, I know it all by heart _ ,” She mocked Anakin, flinging her arms about childishly, before pointing her paddle at him defiantly, “You have  _ no right  _ to grow here!”

Anakin placed a hand delicately on the paddle, lowering it, going to speak before being interrupted, again, as Sabé pulled him in, grabbing him and bending him over her knee, walloping him with the paddle, Anakin struggling to push himself back up, yelling in frustration. 

_ Surely I’m too old for this _ , he thought, eventually pulling himself free. He pushed Sabé away, straightening himself out,    
“You’re suggesting that I am not allowed to be older than I am?” He finally managed to silence the Duchess, and she paused, staring at Anakin for a moment, seeming almost  _ human _ as she sat down on a bench, her paddle in her lap. She was lost in thought, and Anakin saw it as a chance to escape, only to be stopped by Padmé as she appeared before him, shaking her head. Anakin had to finish this page to go to the next, and that meant comforting the vile Duchess, as difficult as that was going to be. He turned back into the garden, steadily making his way over to the bench, sitting beside Sabé, who slowly turned her head to look at him, smiling,

“Wretched pig,” She said at last, her voice like nails on a chalkboard, “Grew into such broadness, finding strength and shape in your body, while mine only  _ sagged  _ watching you,” She stood, gesturing to her body, “You stole my soul and made me old, you  _ pig _ .” She sneered, Anakin standing in resistance, his temper getting the better of him,

“I’m not your pig!” He yelled in her face, Sabé only turning a deep red, standing on the tips of her toes to become taller than him, screaming the word ‘pig’ in his face continuously, showing a surprising lung capacity. Anakin recoiled, covering his face as the Duchess sprayed him with saliva, before sinking back onto her heels, wafting her paddle like a fairy would with a wand,

“Tis so, and thus tis is! I shall make you a present of everything I’ve said,” She nudged him with her elbow, “In the meantime, we’ve been invited by the  _ queen _ !” She made her way to the centre of the garden, turning and glaring at him, “And we are to play croquet! So,” She flung the paddle over her shoulder with blatant disregard, shattering one of the windows of her castle in the process, clasping her hands together, “If that  _ bunny  _ breezes by, and you find yourself seizing on his buttcheek, and his ridiculous fluffy tail… Just… Try your best not to upset her majesty with such ridiculousness.” She exhaled slowly, before extending a hand out to Anakin, nodding to him as he reluctantly took her hand, joining her as she led him out of the garden, the flags of the Queen of Heart’s castle flying high in the distance, way above the treetops he had observed with Obi-Wan. He knew he would find his White Rabbit at the castle, specifically at the game of croquet he had no choice in attending or not.

  * * *



_ “Please don’t upset the council with your behaviour, Anakin,” Obi-Wan stood beside him in the elevator, quickly ascending the floors of the Jedi Temple, “They don’t have the patience for it that I do.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Anakin scratched his elbow incessantly, whining as he fidgeted, bouncing on the spot, _ _   
_ _ “Obi-Wan, I don’t know if I can do this, I’m… I’m restless.” He shook his hands in front of him, the action transforming into a little dance, Obi-Wan glancing to him with a gentle smile,  _

_ “And what do you call this one, Anakin?” He asked, Anakin snickering as he danced in the elevator, _

_ “I don’t know yet, Obi-Wan. My head hasn’t caught up, I should be careful not to lose it.”  _

  * * *



Sabé led Anakin into the royal gardens, the pair walking under a large heart-shaped topiary as they turned the corner, greeted by a crowd of Clone Troopers, gone of their white uniforms, now replaced by blood-red sets of armour, the Troopers standing uniformly in two parallel lines through the garden, and at the end of the lines stood the Queen of Hearts, Satine. Anakin’s shoulders slumped as he stared ahead, sighing. Of course it would be her, wouldn’t it. Obi-Wan stood to her side, his back straight as he matched the Troopers’ posture, not willing to stray from the task at hand, knowing Satine would relish the option to execute the beloved White Rabbit. Anakin followed behind Sabé cautiously, the Troopers saluting as they passed.

Satine lined herself up for the shot, the perfectly pink flamingo in her hands, rigid with fear. She kept her eye on the hedgehog in the grass, before taking a mighty swing, the crowd around her applauding as the hedgehog blindly bounced away into a shrub. Anakin had to resist chuckling, knowing that the Queen had absolutely no idea how to play the game properly. She could barely manage her flamingo, more focused on making sure her court was doing the do to impress her. Obi-Wan caught Anakin’s eye, shaking his head, urging him to keep his composure. Sabé elbowed him, gesturing for him to applaud with the crowd. Ahsoka stood on the far side of the crowd, her head held high, her clothing indicating she was the Queen of Diamonds, a second in command to the illustrious Satine. She waved her hand to the Troopers, one of whom scurrying away to collect the hedgehog, Satine turning her attention to Sabé and Anakin, 

“Ah! At last, you’ve arrived, Duchy-poo,” She leaned in, the pair kissing each other on the cheek, both retching as they turned away from each other, Satine moving to Anakin’s side, “And you… You’re brave.” She ran her eyes up and down his body, before centering herself in the crowd once more, flamingo in hand, “My loyal subjects, I…”   
  
A Trooper sneezed suddenly, Satine not missing a single beat as she singled him out with her flamingo, her voice wide and bellowing,

“ _ Off with his head _ ,” She commanded, Anakin flinching as he watched the distressed Trooper be dragged away, leaning in to Sabé, his voice hushed,

“She is joking, isn’t she?”

Sabé massaged her temples, shaking her head,   
“If you tell a lie long enough, and  _ loud  _ enough, my pig, then you simply must follow it through.”   
  
Anakin’s heart sank, placing his hands behind his back. He would be on his best behaviour from here, not wanting to upset Satine. He watched as the hedgehog was returned to her, and she smiled with a sickly pride, lining herself up for another shot, bringing back the flamingo, ready to swing… 

The building suddenly shook, and the world around them began to crack and crumble, the sounds of alarms ringing out as Satine threw the flamingo aside, her queenly regale rolling off her body, her uniform underneath as she marched through the crowd,

“Under your beds,  _ now _ !” She ordered, Anakin spinning frantically, becoming dizzy, falling to his knees, holding his forehead, everything aching suddenly. He squeezed his eyes shut, the alarm continuing to ring as the building shook once more.

“Obi-Wan,” He called out, shrinking into himself, “Obi-Wan, help me,  _ please _ !”   
  
Arms closed around him, and he was dragged away, opening his eyes to find himself under his bed in the hospital ward of the Coruscant Medical Facility, in the arms of Padmé, who had pulled him to safety. The sound of aircraft outside echoed into the room, the horrific sounds of bombs being dropped on the city outside causing the room to shake.

  
Cody was pacing the ward frantically, eventually requiring several Aides to restrain him, the deranged commander yelling about the falling sky once more. The young boy, who Anakin vaguely remembered as Caleb, staggered off his bed, feeling his way under the frame to hide, repeatedly whispering his mantras from before. Satine held her hands close to her chest, closing her eyes,

“Pray to the Force we get through this night,” She turned on her heels, beginning a head count as Ahsoka popped out from under her bed, scowling,

“Pray to the Force? What has this mighty  _ Force  _ ever done for me other than provide this eternal suffering?” She asked incredulously, Sabé pulling her back down under the bed,

“The Force is gone, it left us long ago, and I’m not feeling too well.” She murmured, keeping herself low.

Qui-Gon snickered as he lay on his back, comfortable underneath his bed frame,

“The Force’s only excuse at this point is that she’s dead.” He stared into the underside of his mattress, having accepted his fate. Anakin sank into Padmé’s side, looking up at her,

“Is it true? Is she really dead?” He asked weakly, Padmé holding him close under her arm, shaking her head, reassuring her young friend. But she knew the truth.

The Force was dead, and these monsters had killed her, with their senseless violence and quest for glory.

  
  



	4. The Mad Hatter's Tea Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your tea, high tea, don't drink my tea. 
> 
> Anakin faces his inner turmoil, and Obi-Wan's time begins to run out.

_ Anakin lay against Obi-Wan in the speeder, gazing up at the twin moons in the sky, feeling himself beginning to drift to sleep. He wanted to stay awake, so desperate to stay in the moment with his beloved Obi-Wan. _

_ The first time he’d loved Obi-Wan, it had been quick, almost over in an instant, a fleeting glance at the table as he’d noticed how handsome his Master was, how he looked like a fairy-tale prince in the morning light.  _

_ The second time had been harder, his body pressed against his as they sparred, Obi-Wan quickly dominating his then Padawan in the training session, holding him close to his body, trapping him in a grapple. Anakin couldn’t explain it, but his senses had been sent into overdrive, his heart beating out of his chest as he welled with heat.  _

_ The third time he loved Obi-Wan, it was stronger, the effect becoming permanent, swallowing his body entirely. He had been promoted to Jedi Knighthood in preparation for the Clone Wars, and in his celebration he had once again gone too far, staggering through every bar in the city to find all the drugs he could, mixing and matching like they were candies in a bag, the substance abuse getting ahead of him, knocking him down for the count as the sun began to rise over Coruscant. Obi-Wan had found him, carrying him back to their quarters without a second thought, laying him in his bed and waiting with him until he came too, and as Anakin had opened his eyes, the sight of Obi-Wan watching over him cemented every feeling he had ever second-guessed over the years, the final nail hammered into the coffin.  _

_ He was head-over-heels for Obi-Wan, and he would stay with him forever, never chasing him again. _

_ How wrong he was. _

  * • •



“We need to move this patient,” Satine stood at the end of Obi-Wan’s bed, Dooku by her side, seconding her opinion, “Take him to Ward D, as in ‘good as dead’.”

Anakin clambered out from under the bed, wiggling from Padmé’s side and rushing over to them, 

“No, you can’t!” 

Satine turned to him, 

“Good as dead, Mister Skywalker, say your goodbyes.” She led Dooku away, continuing her head count of the ward. Anakin stood at Obi-Wan’s bedside, his heart breaking by the second,

“Obi-Wan…”   
  
Obi-Wan sat up slowly, struggling to lift his body weight as he looked to Anakin, even struggling to open his eyes as he coughed into his sleeve once more,

“Hush, hush… The Queen will hear you,” He managed a small smile, Anakin shaking his head and taking his hands,

“You’re skipping to the end, Obi-Wan, slow down!” He stroked the back of his hands, Obi-Wan coughing violently once more, his head falling back against the pillow.

“He sent them word I had not gone, we knew it to be true. If she should push the matter on, what would become of you?” He recited, giving a slight chuckle, head rolling to the side to look at Anakin, “What would become of you, Anakin? We must end, I won’t be here again. We must, before I...”   
  
_ Catch your breath. Please. _

Obi-Wan took a deep inhale, his lungs barely expanding as he felt himself slipping,

“The sentence has no meaning if it does not end, Anakin. You must care less for me, my dear Anakin.”   
  
“No, never!” Anakin threw his arms around the man, choking back the tears as Obi-Wan used what little strength he had to push him away,

“Then I’ll make it easier for you, although it breaks my heart… I’ve followed you, now you follow  _ me _ .”

The bed slipped away, and Anakin felt himself drifting away, the walls of the ward disappearing around them, a hand landing firmly on his shoulder, shoving him suddenly into the darkness, a table suddenly before him, echoes of maniacal laughter ringing in his ears. He covered them, closing his eyes, until they came to a stop.

He slowly opened his eyes, stepping back as he found himself in the midst of a tea party. 

And not just any tea party.

Cody sat at the far end of the table, Caleb slumped in a chair beside him, both seemingly out of it, a teapot whistle waking them from their daze. Cody quickly jumped up, his feet landing on the table with a crash,

“Do you see that little twerp over there?” He asked, Caleb leaning on the table lazily, his eyesight returned,

“My dear, what  _ have  _ you done to your hair?” He slurred, both of them looking to Anakin in bewilderment.

“Dormouse, that’s awfully rude,” Anakin scowled, folding his arms across his chest. Obi-Wan moved by him quickly, tussling his hair as he passed, 

“Then don’t offend us with that hair,” He teased, unpinning his sash from his shoulder. Anakin’s scowl remained, moving over to his side,

“What are you doing here? The White Rabbit isn’t at the tea party.”   
  
Obi-Wan tied the sash around his head, grinning,

“No, but the March Hare is,” He sat down heavily, eyes suddenly wide as he adopted the persona of the March Hare, kicking a nearby chair over, “Sorry. No room.” 

  
Anakin jumped out of the way of the kicked chair, before standing at the table’s end, gesturing to the many other seats,

“There’s plenty of room!”

“Nope, no room,” Caleb hiccuped, pouring himself another cup of tea, Cody marching down the table,

“You give him some room, and suddenly he wants a chair! The cheek!”

“The cheek!” Caleb and Obi-Wan echoed, the latter stretching across the table to find a cup, giggling as he lay flat across the tablecloth. 

Cody stepped off the table, sitting back down and shuffling, slamming his hands on the table suddenly,

“ _ Change places _ !”

Anakin watched as the three men climbed across the table, wild and frantic as they found new seats, Obi-Wan leaning back on the stool he had chosen, 

“More tea?” He offered a cup out to Anakin, retracting it quickly and passing it to Cody, who drank its contents before tossing it down the table, Caleb catching it in his hand and holding it out for Anakin once more. 

“You should mean what you say,” Anakin huffed as he finally sat down, eyes running across the assortment of broken teacups and shattered china bowls that littered the table, Caleb placing the empty cup before him,   
“Then say what you mean.”   
  
“That’s just how he is,” Obi-Wan leant on the table, he and Caleb snickering as they watched Anakin, “More tea?”   
  
Anakin pushed the empty tea cup away, becoming increasingly fed up with the situation,

“I haven’t had any yet, so how can I have more?”

“No,” Obi-Wan said suddenly, standing and slamming his cup down on the table, “How could you take less, you selfish brat?” His voice raised, “Taste your regrets,” He leaned in close to Anakin, dropping the character for a moment, “Do you hate me yet?”

“I never could, or would, Obi-Wan.” Anakin replied softly, reaching out to touch him, falling just short as Obi-Wan sat back in his chair, resuming the charade,

“You should.”   
  
Caleb slumped across the table, snoring loudly, Cody pinching him awake before clapping excitedly,

“Shall we have a riddle?” His enthusiasm caught Anakin’s interest, who nodded earnestly, Cody’s smile fading as he leaned over to Obi-Wan, “Now he wants a riddle.”   
  
“And tea,” Caleb added, banging a fist on the table, “More tea!”

Obi-Wan slid Caleb the teapot, jumping back as Cody climbed onto the table once more, squatting in front of Anakin, staring him straight in the eye,

“Riddle me this, can you tell me why a raven is like a writing desk?”   
  
There was a pause as Anakin took a moment to process the ludacris question, his head running with any idea that it could, but never finding a solution. He shrugged,

“Why?”

Cody tapped his fingers on his knees slowly, the wheels turning in his head as he came up with his answer,

“...I haven’t the faintest idea.”

He fell backwards off the table as he laughed, Caleb and Obi-Wan joining the laughter. Anakin stood firmly, 

“I think you would do better with your time than to be asking riddles with no answer. You waste time by not spending it.”

  
A hand tugged at his leg, and Anakin crouched down, to find Cody sat under the table, knees hugged to his chest,

“We live in riddles, child, there is no altering them. What leaves home to be a hero, then crawls back a less-than-zero?” His voice was suddenly weak. Anakin knelt down beside him, watching as Cody’s expression shifted to something solemn, fearful, “Like a tea cup, chip, chip, chipped… Just an egg that got dropped for kicks.” 

Anakin placed a hand on Cody’s knee, the soldier tensing under his touch, 

“You?” He asked quietly, Cody laughing incredulously under his breath,

“Ah, but I am no longer me… You know, my friend Rex was drop dead funny, then he dropped dead, isn’t that funny?” Cody looked Anakin suddenly in the eye, a wave of silence passing over them, Obi-Wan and Caleb also quiet, remorseful for the Mad Hatter, who had lost so much at the cost of so little, “I was aiming for the enemy. I didn’t mean to shoot him.” He rocked himself back and forth under the table. Anakin attempted to help him up, but Cody slid back out the other side, standing and raising a teacup quickly,

“More tea?”

  
“Hate tea,” Caleb sneered, batting his teacup away and slouching on the table. Obi-Wan helped Anakin up, leaning into his ear,

“Hate me.” He whispered. Anakin pushed him away, his fuse shortening fast,

“No!” He exclaimed, Cody raising a hand to his chest with an exaggerated gasp,

  
“No  _ tea _ ?! This incessant need for cream and sugar, ham,  _ smoked  _ ham, and jam, and cheese,” Cody listed, marching up and down the side of the table, stopping and bringing his hands down onto it heavily, “Next he’ll be wanting herbs!”   
  
“I don’t like herbs!” Anakin exclaimed, Caleb smirking knowingly as he sat back in his chair,

“ _ All  _ herbs?” He asked slyly, Anakin clearing his throat to reassess his point, finding Obi-Wan shoving a teacup in his face, frustration taking over as he beat the cup into the air, watching as it shattered upon landing,

“ _ I don’t want any tea _ !” He yelled at last, “I’m sick of this Alice-ness!”

Cody sat in his chair again, kicking his feet up onto the table,

“Oh, it’s all about  _ him  _ now, is it?”

Obi-Wan lifted himself onto the table, standing over him,

“How does it feel to be sick? Are you sick to death? We don’t want in your head anymore, Anakin, it’s time to get back above the ground.” He loomed over him, his own anger beginning to show, his anger about his circumstance and how Anakin refused to accept it, “ _ I  _ am sick, Anakin, and I’m sick to  _ death _ .”

“I hate you!” Anakin burst out, straining as he backed away, “I hate that you got sick, I hate you!”

Obi-Wan clutched his chest, falling backwards, landing on the table with a crash, Satine coming from behind Anakin, looking over Obi-Wan. 

“Move this man to Ward D, immediately,” She ordered, Cody and Caleb taking either side of the table, rolling it away as the darkness closed in around them, Wonderland beginning to fade once more, “This is farewell.”   
  
“No, no,” Anakin ran to her side, tugging at her arm, “No, please!” He begged, Satine pushing him away, she herself beginning to fade into the darkness,

  
“Let him go.” Her voice was a rasped whisper, the darkness surrounding Anakin as he frantically searched for Obi-Wan,

“I didn’t mean it, Obi-Wan, please!”

_ Stay away. _

Anakin froze, the words lingering in his head as he looked over his shoulder,

“Who’s there?” He asked, seeing nothing but darkness. He spun again, recoiling as he stood face to face with Doctor Dooku, his eyes dark, his aura menacing. 

  
“Away,” Dooku bellowed, his body jerking as he drew a lightsaber, “From that  _ haemoptysis-riddled hare _ ,” He didn’t seem human, his movements were erratic, Anakin’s body stuck by fear as the Doctor approached him, confused as to where he was in the story.

“‘Twas Brillig, and the slithy toves,” The man recited, his lightsaber unsheathed, glowing a vicious red. Anakin patted his sides, searching for his own saber. He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut,

“No, Jabberwocky! You’re not next!” He kept his eyes shut, flicking through the pages in his heart, “Then came a pattering of feet on the stairs, and Alice knew it was the Rabbit coming to look for her, and she trembled-”

“Look at him tremble!” Dooku’s voice was doubled, suddenly one of two bodies in his own, “Sick to death with delirium, ticking over the tuberculosis, shaken by orthostatic  _ tremors _ … Beware the Jabberwock!” He took a fighting stance, Anakin opening his eyes, a lightsaber in his hand. He had to fight him, he had to get to Obi-Wan.

_ Beware the frumious Bandersnatch, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch. _

Anakin swung his saber at Dooku, the man fighting back resiliently, 

“Senseless twit, find yourself to grieve,” Dooku jeered as he parried Anakin’s swings, “Unravel all you learnt, with thoughts you’ve had, or thought you had, until  _ callay  _ the Jabber came, on frabjous day you know,” He began a forward assault, Anakin struggling to focus as Dooku spouted the nonsensical limericks at him.   
  
“You talk too much,” Anakin kept his wide stance, their lightsabers clashing brightly, determined to fight his way to his beloved White Rabbit, “He is not just some diagnosis!”   
  
“This is where your story  _ ends _ ,” Dooku snarled, weighing down into his swings, beginning to take an upper hand in the duel, “Go down your hole, foolish child, hide away.”   
  
“You senseless,  _ heartless _ …” Anakin found a burst of strength, swinging his saber at Dooku, catching his guard and kicking him suddenly in the chest, his skill as a Jedi Knight shining through, “I will not give his soul up!” 

Dooku staggered back, his balance lost, wailing as he tumbled into the darkness, the Jabberwock slain. Anakin panted heavily, his body tight from the combat. 

He was alone, once again.

  * • •



_ “It’s not up for discussion, Anakin, we will be joining the Republic’s army. I have already been enlisted as a general.” Obi-Wan fixed his hair as he observed himself in the mirror, Anakin slumped in the bed behind him, grumbling, _

_   
_ _ “I don’t see why the Jedi should join the war effort,” He rolled onto his back, staring to the ceiling, “We didn’t start it.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Obi-Wan turned to him, sitting on the foot of the bed beside him, _

_ “No, but we must finish it.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ That was Obi-Wan, always right, always knowing better. It irritated Anakin to no end, that he had fallen for someone so facetious.  _

_ “Can I trust you to be alone tonight?” Obi-Wan asked finally, running his fingers through Anakin’s hair, the younger man snickering, _

_ “Of course you can, where would I go?” He asked, the sensation of Obi-Wan’s fingers in his hair causing him to blush. _

_ “At this point Anakin, I know you’d find somewhere. You’re a rulebreaker, young one, it’s simply what you do.” _

  * • •



“Oh, which way?” Anakin had been circling on the spot for a while, completely disoriented. No matter where he looked, every direction looked the same, “Cheshire, please, I need your help! Tell me which way I can go from here!”   
  
Hands slid onto his shoulders from behind, Padmé leaning around him, drifting slowly in the space around them, 

“That depends entirely on where you wish to go.” She landed delicately on her feet, standing tall beside Anakin, turning him to face her. She felt a motherly bond with him, and if she would act as his guide, she would do her best in the duty she had been handed. Anakin struggled to find the words, looking up at his Cheshire Puss,

“I want to go to him, but I’m lost,” He admitted woefully, shrinking into himself. Padmé rested her hand on his arm, leaning down to his level,

“If you’re lost, does it really matter which way you go?” She asked, smiling softly, “I’m certain you’ll wind up somewhere, the question you should be asking yourself is; when someone needs to go, who are you to make him stay?”   
  
Anakin met her gaze, defiant as he began to find the words in his heart,

“I shall find that golden key, Alice said, and bring him with me into that garden of most loveliest roses.” He refused to accept what must be, and Padmé knew this. She softened, shaking her head,

“Anakin, you cannot keep believing impossible things-”   
  
“Sometimes, Alice said,” Anakin cut her off, and even as his emotions threatened to crumble his walls, he remained stern, “I believe in six impossible things before breakfast.” 

Padmé stood straight again, 

“You want too much, Anakin, you argue that you want time with him, but perhaps he hasn’t much to give,” She tried to reason with him, remaining cool and her tone level, “You can kick at heaven, you can cry out into the sky, you can go beyond words… But there is no reason that sometimes, things fall away.”   
  
Anakin felt himself weaken at her words, his resistance failing as he began to understand what she meant.

“Look over there,” Padmé gently turned Anakin, pointing to a group of Troopers in the darkness, their armour green like tortoiseshell, each of them sobbing endlessly, “The turtles, they cannot let go of their sadness,” She and Anakin watched as they huddled together, their cries a cacophony of woe, “They hide in their shell of grief, they believe their bereavement is key to their survival. They have no joy left to find, and no one comes near. Do you truly wish to live life in such a crisis?”

Anakin sank into her side, his heart weighing heavy in his chest. He knew that she was right, he couldn’t be like the turtles. He had to accept that, no matter how hard he tried, Obi-Wan had to finish the story, for it would be the end of theirs. The darkness began to sink away, revealing a garden of beautiful white roses, petals drifting freely in the breeze. Obi-Wan was there, waiting, knowing. He turned to Padmé, a bittersweet taste on his lips, 

“Thank you, Cheshire,” He whispered, his hands at his chest, “I will find him.” 

Padmé smiled as she moved away, fading into nothing as Anakin remained in the garden, turning to Obi-Wan.

“I had to finish it with you,” Obi-Wan said as he approached him, the roses parting for him as he walked, “Come, we must end on a high note.”   
  
Anakin instinctively backed away. He knew what was next, he knew he would face the trial.

“Please, Anakin, we’re late.” He extended a hand, Anakin’s stomach twisting in a knot as he shook his head,

“I won’t turn the page, Obi-Wan! If we never move forward, I never have to leave you! We can stay…”   
  
“ _ I can’t _ , Anakin,” Obi-Wan cried out, “We cannot be here forever, perhaps we were never meant to,” He began to cough, raising his sleeve to his mouth, the white fabric blossoming a deep red as he coughed blood against it. The red began to leak into the roses, the garden around them changing as Anakin took Obi-Wan’s hand, looking into his eyes,   
  
“Please, your roses…” He tried to hold onto him, but Obi-Wan let go, stepping away,

“Roses are as roses do, please Anakin, I must reach the end, just this once more.” He was becoming weaker, a single drop of blood leaking out the corner of his mouth. It ripped Anakin’s insides apart to see Obi-Wan like this, to see that his beloved Obi-Wan was dying, and that he couldn’t save him.

He couldn’t save him.

  * • •



_ “I couldn’t save them, Obi-Wan,” Anakin sobbed hoarsely into his Master’s chest, his fingers digging into the fabric, grasping tightly to not let go, “They’re dead and it’s my fault.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Obi-Wan kissed Anakin’s forehead gently, attempting to soothe his distressed Padawan, but truthfully knowing that he had made a colossal error.  _

_ Anakin had been charged with a Trooper platoon, and his misguided leadership had landed his entire squadron six-feet-under, and had cost the Republic a significant hold on the Geonosis System. They both knew there would be ramifications for his lapse of judgement, they just didn’t know what. _

_ Obi-Wan held Anakin close to his chest, closing his eyes as his sobs became muffled, holding back his own tears. The sound and sight of Anakin being in such a terrible state broke his heart, he never wanted to see him so distressed again. _

_ How lucky he could be, and how unfortunate he was. _

  * • •



“What will you do, Anakin?” Obi-Wan asked as they sat in the field of roses, side by side under the warmth of the sun, “When I’m not here… What will you do? When you sit here and you’re not with me.”   
  
Anakin placed his hand over Obi-Wan’s, exhaling shakily as sadness began to swell in his heart,    
“Please, not yet, Obi-Wan, I don’t wish to think of such things.”   
  
“Will you dream it’s like this, always?” Obi-Wan continued, “Will we fall, falling as always?” He asked, rolling on his hip to sit facing Anakin, “How will you find something to do, when there’s so much we thought we’d see?”   
  
Anakin mirrored Obi-Wan, turning to face him, his heart aching in his chest,

“There’s so much I thought we would  _ be _ , Obi-Wan, there’s so much I wanted to say… I’ll dream that you’re here, and that you’re mine,” He bit back the tears, gazing into his White Rabbit’s eyes, “I’ll never have to let you go… Take me with you,” He suddenly said, beginning to climb into Obi-Wan’s lap, who tried to push him away, frantic, knowing that if Anakin was too close, he’d become sick too,

“Anakin, no, you  _ mustn’t _ !”   
  
Anakin pushed Obi-Wan’s shoulders, straddling him as he held him to the floor, his eyes glazed with a longing and lust,

“ _ Drink me, _ ” His voice was low, his heart racing as he rolled his hips on Obi-Wan’s lap, the older man gasping at the sensation, writhing to get away, no matter how good it felt,

“Anakin, I can’t lose you,” Obi-Wan was short of breath, Anakin leaning in on top of him, inches from his lips,

“Then take me with you, I’ll be there with you, always.” He whispered, going in for a kiss, Obi-Wan forcibly pushing him away,

“They’re calling  _ you _ , not me,” Obi-Wan rose to his feet. He had to finish it, even if it hurt Anakin.

“Silence in the court,” He could feel his voice breaking, his throat tight as walls began to tower above them, distant echoes of chatter moving closer, ever closer. Anakin clambered to his feet, realising too late,

“Obi-Wan, no-”

_ All rise for the Queen. _

  
  



	5. The Queen's Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin faces the trial, and says goodbye to his one true love.

The walls of the royal court stood tall and proud, hanging monolithically over Anakin as he stood in the dock, the bench rising high before him, Satine manning the helm of her judiciary tyranny. A jury of his Wonderland peers stood to the side, the colourful cast of characters he had encountered through his journey down the hole now solemn, assessing him carefully. Obi-Wan stood to the side of the bench, a stillness remaining in the room.

“As you were,” Satine was initially pleasant in her approach, taking slow steps down to the court level, her hands clasped together at her chest, “I am proud,  _ so proud _ , to behold this record breaking achievement in our history,” She proclaimed, her pomp and gravitas exaggerated in their legal setting, “Which of you, can we say, loves us  _ most _ ?”   
  
Anakin glanced to the jury, the group glancing at each other as a gentle purr of a snore echoed out, Caleb sitting with his head in his hands, soundly asleep. Ashoka smacking him with her back of her hand, the young boy jerking awake. He cleared his throat, raising his hand and standing upon permission from Satine.

“Never has there been a queen,” He was staring blankly ahead, formulating his sentence entirely as he went, “Who has accomplished… So much.”   
  
“... _ AND? _ ” Satine suddenly yelled, the court rumbling against her earth-shattering screech,

“And,” Caleb caught on, thinking briefly, “Has done quite so many… Things.” He began to applaud gratuitously, the other jury members following suit as Satine curtseyed for them. A simple gesture of her control as the Queen, but controlling nonetheless. She approached the dock Anakin stood in, patting under his chin patronizingly, 

“At least he’s brought his head, that’s good,” She had an almost gleeful tone to her voice, even with the glint of psychosis in her eyes. Satine grandly made her way back up to the bench, taking her matriarchal place high above the others, “So, you’ve come back for another look, hm?” She watched over Anakin, leaning on the dark hardwood of the bench, “And you’ve found yourself too big for picture books, too huge for fools like us? You make me puke,” She spat, steadily becoming more venomous as she found her gavel, “You shameful, brutish thing. You hate the part that’s tiny still in you,  _ and yet,  _ you wish to hide within the child in you.”   
  
Anakin didn’t want to admit that Satine was wholly correct, anxiety storming in his heart as he attempted to make a case for himself,

“I don’t-”   
  
“You can’t, you mean,” Satine pouted, mocking him with malicious judgement, “You can no longer not know what we mean.”

Talk and talk and talk, but still Anakin was never not himself. His wants and needs had never changed since he had found himself in Wonderland once again, he had only ever wanted to spend time with Obi-Wan, even if it was selfish of him to do so. 

  * • •



_ “Isn’t it a trial, Anakin? Don’t you find yourself having to work twice as hard to stay a child?” Obi-Wan was frustrated, pacing the foot of Anakin’s hospital bed, the other man laying there in a milky haze, snickering to himself, “Are you even listening? You could have died, Anakin.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I didn’t though, did I?” Anakin sat up in his bed, his head weighing down like a bag of bricks, the buzz of ketamine and crystal still lingering in his system, “I’m still here, and I feel kriffing amazing.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Obi-Wan came to a halt, banging his fist against the bed in frustration,  _

_ “This isn’t a game, Anakin. You’re taking your life in your hands and… And I’m scared,” He lifted his gaze, a vulnerability beginning to break through, “I’m scared I’m going to lose you, Anakin.” _

_ Anakin had never seen Obi-Wan like this, he’d never seen him so emotional. His cockiness gone, he crawled forward, taking his Master’s hand in his, _ _   
_ _ “I’m sorry, Obi-Wan. I know I promised you I’d get clean,” He sat back, the tingle of his high still echoing in his veins, “And I will, I just need to get it out of my system.” _

_ “Out of your system?” Obi-Wan scoffed, shaking his head as he moved to Anakin’s side, “You need to stop putting this shit in your system, that’s what you need to do. You’re killing yourself, you’re desperate to go to Wonderland and if you’re not careful you’ll end up there permanently.” _

_ Anakin held back a soft smile, looking down into his lap. Permanently stuck in Wonderland? _

_ That didn’t sound so bad. _

  * _• •_



“You’re acting so proud of yourself, you think you have such power, shall we sing a song for you, hm?” Satine continued to berate Anakin, “You’ve found your growth, and you found that your rabbit grew too,” She slid a hand over Obi-Wan’s shoulder, down his chest slowly, “You wish to pet the rabbit, don’t you?”

Anakin watched with a lump in his throat, jealousy stinging in his eyes as Satine ran her hands over Obi-Wan’s body sensuously, the acidic tone of Satine’s voice somehow less upsetting than her actions. Qui-Gon leant on the edge of the Jury Box, a wry smirk on his lips,

“My dear, you’re looking your age, aren’t you?” He purred, other members of the Jury jeering and heckling the White Rabbit. The Queen moved back behind the bench, banging her gavel,   
“Herald! The accusations.”

Obi-Wan unravelled a scroll, beginning to read,

“The High Court of Wonderland, Her Majesty and Crown Court against the heartless Anakin,” He was shaky, seeing the hurt on his beloved Anakin’s face at his decree, “For two treasonous offences; recklessly re-writing the story for his own selfish needs and breaking rule forty-two,” He closed the scroll, as Sabé shot up to her feet, pointing viciously at Anakin,

“You have no right to grow here!” She repeated the sentiment from their encounter in her garden, lowering back into her seat with a low snarl. Satine banged her gavel once more, a disturbing smile playing across her face. Anakin began to feel the pressure of the situation weighing on him, an ache burning in his temples. He could feel himself shrinking at the mercy of the bloodthirsty Queen and her Jury. Cody suddenly stood, joining in the accusations,

“He added a big ‘un’ to everything important!”   
  
“Unimportant, that’s very important,” Caleb nodded knowingly, “What is the verdict?”   
  
Satine banged her gavel again, silencing the plebs in the box,    
“First the sentence,  _ then  _ the verdict. Present the items!” She commanded Obi-Wan, her facade beginning to crack when Anakin attempted to stand his ground,

“Why these items?” He asserted, knowing he had no support in the situation, every person in the room totally against him. He hadn’t a friend in the court, even Obi-Wan was against him.

“Now he wants to pick his items,” Cody taunted, “He’s mad, he’s totally mad!” He began to laugh, his laughter rippling through the Jury, their amusement only belittling Anakin even more. 

_ I’m not mad, am I? _

Anakin allowed the thought to rumble in his head momentarily, soothed by Padmé’s presence from above as she sat high in the rafters, watching over the chaos below,   
“You’re here, aren’t you? You know that you are not mad, Anakin.”

Bang, bang, went Satine’s gavel, 

“Guilty! He has acted as if he were a mock me!” She screeched, the Jury murmuring in agreement, until Qui-Gon reclined in his seat, rolling his hips flirtatiously,

“Well he certainly managed  _ my  _ flamingo and blew on  _ my  _ pipe,” He catcalled Anakin, his fellow Jury members joining the mockery. 

A mockery, of a royal Jabberwocky. 

“Tick tock, you tart.” Sabé scorned, stomping her foot down forcefully, “He was my pig! I love my pig, until he made me  _ old  _ and  _ big _ !” She wallowed, smacking Cody around the back of the head as he dared to giggle in agreement. Satine rested her hands across the bench, leaning over, her icy glare making Anakin’s skin crawl,

“Now, we shall decide if you are allowed to leave.” 

The concept of Satine believing she had such a power made Anakin laugh,

“You mean you’d keep me here?” He asked, totally unconvinced of Satine’s confidence. The Queen laughed back at him, snapping her fingers to Obi-Wan,

“Herald, write down ‘duh’ and then add ‘praved’, hm? Every syllable he wastes-”   
  
“You age?” Anakin couldn’t help himself, watching as Satine twisted suddenly, almost lunging over the bench at him, screaming,

“ _ Off with your head! _ ”   
  
Padmé sank down to Anakin’s side, placing a hand on his shoulder,

“Let them scream, your heart can trump a queen.” She whispered in his ear, “Every dream would love to hold its dreamer, but-”   
  
“The dreamer,” Satine interjected, having suddenly calmed from her shrieking, “The dreamer who can’t bear to know that he is dreaming.”   
  
“But I’ll know,” Anakin nodded, naive as ever, “I know it all by heart, this is my heart and my dream.”

A doubtful silence filled the room, and Satine steadily arced herself forward, wearing a dubious smile,   
“Is that so? Then, who,” She gestured to herself and the Jury, “And what are  _ we _ ?”   
  
“Part of it, obviously.” Anakin was bold. Far too bold for his own good, as Obi-Wan had often pointed out, and Obi-Wan didn’t interrupt, as knew Anakin’s choice of words were about to set in motion the events that would finish the story for good.

“Then, by this logic,” Satine drummed her fingers slowly on the bench, her eyes never leaving Anakin, “Where are we when you’re not here? Do you think we just  _ pop up  _ into existence because you decide to read us? The truth is, child, we  _ are  _ here, and sometimes we let  _ you  _ into  _ our  _ dream.”

Anakin felt the world around him slow, he could hear his heartbeat in his ear. Was she right? Had he been allowed into this world all this time, by the grace of these caricaturistic characters? He’d fallen down the hole so many times, more times than he could remember, and every time they’d welcomed him, allowing him to wander their pages of his own free will?

“I don’t believe you,” Anakin said at last, defiant, asserting the last of his power, his attempt falling flat as Satine cackled,   
  
“You honestly think that our dream needs  _ you  _ to dream it, you who are no longer you?” She raised the gavel high, bringing it down for the final time. The sound sent shocks into Anakin’s body, and he looked to Obi-Wan weakly, trying to reach out to him.

_ Why did you turn the page, Obi-Wan? _

  * _• •_



_ “Hey, I hadn’t finished reading that page!” Anakin whined as he lay beside Obi-Wan, who only nudged him playfully, snickering, _

_ “Well, maybe you should read faster, hm?” _

_ They lay on their stomachs in the hospital bed, where Obi-Wan had come to visit Anakin, as he did every day, only this time he had brought with him a book, a small book that he had read to Anakin as a child.  _

_ Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. _

_ It was his favourite book when he was a boy, so he intended to pass it onto his young Padawan, hoping it would provide an outlet over his current hobbies.  _

_ “It’s no fair,” Anakin pouted, laying as close to Obi-Wan as he could, “You know this story by heart, I’ve never read it. I’ve only had it read to me.” _

_ Obi-Wan smiled gently, leaning across and kissing Anakin’s forehead softly, _

_ “You’ll know it all by heart too, one day.” _

  * _• •_



“Guilty! Off with his head!” Satine’s shrill voice broke Anakin from his memories, and he was pushed to his knees. He felt hands on his body, the multitude of voices causing his head to hurt, a bag shoved over his head. 

“Watch him shrink!” One voice called out, and Anakin felt the last straw in his heart snap in twain. He sat in silence, waiting for the axe to come down on his head. He heard nothing, and felt nothing. He took the bag off his head, discovering the world around him had stopped. And he smiled.

_ Shrink? I don’t think so. _

“I’m not going to plead if loving is what I’m guilty of,” Anakin snapped his fingers, the citizens of Wonderland suddenly as puppets were on strings, their bodies no longer their own as Anakin took control once more, “Not at all, I’m done, I’ve shrunk enough.”   
  
Satine struggled in her marionette trance, her body tense as she tried to get to him,

“Hold your tongue, you selfish brat! Executioner, cut out his tongue!”

But the executioner was stuck in the same state, their bodies at the mercy of Anakin as he sent them away, his heart growing in size and strength. Padmé and Obi-Wan watched in awe as Anakin resumed his authority over the story, the former grinning from ear to ear, indescribably proud of him as he faced the fools, knowing that even though they were running out of valuable time, growing up was not a crime Anakin would be charged with. 

Satine writhed once more, suddenly breaking free from Anakin’s control, making to lunge for him, stopped by Obi-Wan, who stood in her way. He couldn’t protect Anakin from the world, but he was going to protect him from this crazy old bitch,

“Sorry, your majesty, but Anakin holds the cards now.”

“You  _ fat faced runt _ ,” Satine howled, her body turning stiff again as Anakin sent her against the wall, “We’ll get you!”

Anakin took one final look at the court, before sweeping it away with a grand wipe of his arm, the building and its inhabitants soaring away into the sky, leaving only him and Obi-Wan, alone in their field of roses once more. Anakin turned to him slowly, and sustained a weak smile as he saw him, 

“You’re still here.”   
  
Obi-Wan looked over himself, unsure if he truly was still there, meeting Anakin’s gaze,

“Somehow,” He chortled slightly, a gentle breeze blowing between them. Anakin stepped forward, closing the gap between them,

“You have so little left,” He felt a tear run down his cheek, making no attempt to stop it, “Yet you gave me this, you changed the page.” 

Obi-Was closed his side of the gap too, their bodies brushing against each other as he stood over his young ward, the man who he’d imagined a life with, once upon a time.

“Consider it a parting gift, Anakin,” His smile was forced, as he too was crying, their time almost up, “Don’t let them know he loved him best, for this must ever be a secret kept from all the rest,” He recited softly, holding Anakin’s cheek delicately, “I… I can’t tell you what it’s meant to me, Anakin, to come here again… To run here again,” He leaned in slowly, kissing the other man’s tear stained cheek, his lips staying there for just a moment until they moved to his ear,

“I hope you’ll remember how it was.”

Anakin broke in Obi-Wan’s arms, sobbing against him, wailing, almost screaming as he held onto the other man. He didn’t want to let him go. He never wanted to let him go. They’d fallen down the hole together, falling so far below, into the darkest recesses of their minds. Obi-Wan had been with him for so long, he didn’t want to think about a life without him. He felt his arms getting closer together, until he fell through.

He slowly opened his eyes, the faces of the other patients before him.

They sat in a circle on the floor of the ward, barely lit by an energy bulb in the centre. They stared at him, and he raised a hand to his cheek, feeling the stickiness of tears that had been real. He was holding the book in his hands.

Had he been reading to them? What had been real? And Obi-Wan…

“Nurse Kryze took him,” Sabé sat with her knees hugged to her chest, the light reflecting in tears she’d cried as well. Caleb was beside her, his eyes milky white again, his sight removed in this harsh reality,

“He’s in a better place now.”

“A moment of silence,” Qui-Gon sat back on his hands, even the aging hippie finding a moment of morality over Obi-Wan’s passing, “Nothing more to be done.”   
  
Cody was sat in the group, wearing a distant smile as he gently tapped Anakin on the shoulder,

“More tea for you? With me and,” He rested a finger on the book, pointing to the word ‘Hatter’, “And me?”   
  
Anakin dabbed his tears with his hand, shaking his head politely at Cody’s request, before he raised the book once more,

“And all the cards rose suddenly into the air and disappeared, and Alice found herself again beside a riverbank.”   
  
“Must be done with that now, love,” Qui-Gon waved his hand slowly, his eyes reflected with sorrow against the dim light of the bulb, “He’s gone.”   
  
“He wanted to finish it,” Anakin replied, returning to the book, “And she told her sister as best she could remember.” 

Ahsoka patted Sabé’s leg, leaning into her,

“Listen to him, still reading to him.” She whispered, Sabé shirking her friend’s touch,

“Somehow I doubt he’ll be chiming in.”   
  
Padmé wrapped her arm slowly around Anakin, bringing him closer, casting a knowing glance to the two girls,   
“It isn’t that the dead can’t speak, we’ve just forgotten how to listen.” She raised a finger to her lips, before nodding to Anakin for him to continue.

“So Alice sat tightly and closed her eyes,” Anakin went on, his eyes glancing up as he found he had the attention of the entire circle. He paused, finding himself unable to speak suddenly.

“Please go on,” Caleb’s voice was weak, and quiet, but his words were loud and clear to Anakin.

“What a curious dream I’ve had, Alice said.” Anakin finished, exhaling slowly as he closed the book, his chest tight as he felt more tears beginning to break free, Padmé keeping him close in her embrace. The group were silent, almost in mourning over their White Rabbit, for even though they were brought together through circumstance, their adventure together down the rabbit hole would stay with them forever, as would the death of Obi-Wan.

“Curious, yes,” Padmé spoke against Anakin’s hair, the younger man weeping silently in her arms over his lost love, “But wonderful. Sometimes we overcome just by going on.”

“Is the story done?” Caleb piped up, adjusting his sitting position, Qui-Gon fussing his head tenderly with a gentle smile. Anakin lifted from Padmé’s arms, wiping his eyes with a smile,   
  
“The story is never done. I’ve learned a lot through all of this, but most importantly I know that nothing comes, or goes, without a shadow,” He began, the group turning to him once more, “And letting the sorrow go is only half the battle, and we can only truly discover ourselves down the hole.”   
  
“Down the hole you go,” Padmé squeezed Anakin’s arm, tenderly kissing his forehead like a mother would a crying child, “To where you are.”   
  


Anakin closed his eyes, and slowly lay back, feeling himself falling once again into the darkness.

He could see it all in his mind's eye, the shapes of Wonderland holding residuals in his imagination. 

_ Down the hole you go… _

“Back so soon?” Obi-Wan’s voice echoed in his head, a sensation of slowly being hugged from behind seeping into Anakin’s skin, the gentle summer breeze of Wonderland on his face.

_ And there you are. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this utter mess of a fic. Comments are much appreciated, and thank you again for reading. I hope to see you on the next one!
> 
> Until then,
> 
> xoxo
> 
> Creme


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